Naked

At what age do we go from being carefree in our nakedness to being mortified by it? My girls run around thrilled to be free from clothes or diapers. When was that slumber party that you learned how to take off your bra under your shirt and whip it through the arm hole? It must be the end of elementary school or the beginning of middle school.

Remove my clothes in public and remove my brain. The few massages that I have had I find myself stumbling over to the table, fighting with the the towel coverage. I went to the gym today and went to the eucalyptus steam room. I fought with my towel the entire time, tripped while making my way to the shower. Once my husband questioned me about the nakedness in the locker room. I had to explain that as Seinfeld observed, there is good naked and bad naked. I don't care who you are but anyone crouched over rummaging through their gym bag looking for their panties qualifies as bad naked.

For those of you not familiar with the Seinfeld episode:

"So she coughed."

"Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man."

"Everything goes with naked."

"When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."

"You spoiled spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?"

"But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad."

Hook em'

In my past career I was a gifted and talented teacher. One of my duties was to assess potential gifted students for placement in the program. I have always had several parents ask me how to tell if their child was in fact gifted. Now that I am a parent myself, I can see how we as parents desperately want our child to be unique.

Ella's teacher in school seems to think that her scribbles show some real talent. Yesterday, she surprised me with her creative artistic ability. We are in the throws of potty training and the past two weeks we have been batting 1000 in the poop department. (is there anyone else that HATES cleaning up the little potty after a poop, GROSS) Ella was stitting on her potty and I was in the other room folding laundry. She ran in so excited screaming" Go Texas, Longhorn Mommy!!" over and over again. What the??? I followed her cute little naked tushie to the potty and she pointed at the turd. It was shaped like a longhorn...seriously I am not kdding. I should have taken a picture. Gotta go... Ella is working on her next masterpiece...

Back to Life Back to reality

I'm back from my girls weekend. 10 women, 2 bathrooms, booze, and no drama. It was a blast! I did manage to drink a little more than I should have and make a ass of myself, but I don't think anyone really minded. If they did they can just talk about me later, although we did make a pact...what happened at the beach stays at the beach.

Jeff did a great job with the kiddos. Poor guy had food poisoning and still manged to have vacuumed the house by the time I got home. The girls and Jeff survived, the only injury was a black eye.

Got this from a friend sad to say it but we actually did say a few of these things on our trip.
25 ways to tell you are getting older:

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of
them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6 You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and
"break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald 's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt;

Outta Here

Tomorrow afternoon I leave for a girls only weekend at the beach. 10 mommies, no babies, no hubbies, no responsibilities...HEAVEN! This is a part of my Mother's Day gift. My hubby has learned through trial and error just how important mother's day is. My first Mother's day I was expecting something great. They have been advertising jewelery on TV for goodness sake. After trying to get pregnant for two and a half years and finally getting Ella, I assumed that it would be a special day. We all know what assume really means.

Ladies who will be celebrating you first Mother's day, make sure you let your expectations be known. I was so disappointed on my first, my hubby's response was..."well your not MY Mother." He honestly had no clue. In truth, he is usually the BEST gift giver. He has surprised me with trips, girls weekends, I am really lucky.

I need to get back to packing for my weekend.

BTW did you know that self tanning lotions have an expiration date. Who knew? I was trying to use up my bottle from last year, just call me Ms. Streaky. Tonight I will tempt to weed whack my legs and get some other maintenance taken care of, its a jungle out there!

things that make you go hmmmm

Ok , so I went to the store to get some feminine hygiene products. I am going to the beach this weekend so Auntie Flow just HAD to make a visit... figures. Anyway I was walking down the aisle looking for my supers, when I noticed the douche products. Curiosity FORCED me to read some of the boxes the following are some of the scents offered.

• Extra Cleansing Vinegar & Water
• Vinegar & Water
• Fresh Scent
• Tropical Rain^®
• Island Splash^®
• Sweet Romance^®

Just wondering who really wants to smell like Island Splash or Tropical rain??? Makes you think the next time you get a random whiff of coconut!

Beauty and the creepy married guy

On Friday, I went out with one of my friends to a Texas Exes happy hour downtown. We had a great time dancing the night away. It is a whole other world, when you go out as Sadie, Sadie, Married lady. I must admit that I am so glad that I am no longer single, it is slim pickings out there and I can't compete with a size d chest in a tube top.

Crazy enough, I was in fact hit on. We were standing at the bar in this ultra trendy club that has real sharks swimming under the Plexiglases dance floor. Sea world for adults. So, this guy walks by and truth be told I do get a little snarky when I have a drink. My girlfriend I were giggling at the fact that this guy thought his poop didn't stink, and that he really was the spitting image of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Well, Gaston took my smile to mean come on over. Over he came with his friend. I checked for rings, my single friend does not need anyone with baggage. Gaston had one, his friend did not. So, the singles began to chat and us married folks chatted as well. We talked about our kids, our significant others. I discovered his wife was an attorney and that he had a one year old son.

He was creeping me out, you know the type... leaning in when he spoke, the wandering eye. Little naive me, thought well... he is just as my friend put it, "Creepy Married Man". When I left to go to the restroom, he had the nerve to ask my friend if I was interested in him. I could not believe it, we just talked about his kid, his wife!!!! Ewww! What a jerk! His poor wife!

When I got home that night, I thanked my husband for being so great and then I HAD to look this guys wife up. He had told me so much info about her, sure enough I found her a cute young blond. Beauty and the Beast!

Random Commentary

Are there something that you just HAVE to buy name brand? I use to always buy my foundation at Macy's, it was more pricey than the grocery store brands, but somethings are just worth it. this experience proves my point.

About a month ago, I realized that I was running low on foundation, but truth be told I really did not want to make the trip out to the mall with the girls, and I was looking to save a few extra dollars. I went to the grocery store sans kids one evening on my quest for reasonably priced makeup. The aisle was filled with all kinds of brands promising everything from clear skin to wrinkle resistance. Which did I chose? The brand that had a coupon stuck to it naturally. $2.00 off, can't beat that.

How in the heck do you pick your color with out trying it on your wrist. At the mall an "expert, (usually a heavily made up women wearing the most unnatural color of eye makeup) color matches your skin. I figure I have red hair, I am fair skinned, I burn therefore the fair /nude color should be perfect. I got the bottle home and after one application realize that the color really needs to be renamed geisha. I stared at my unnaturally white skin. So, what do I do now? Can't return it, and if I buy another color I will be spending just as much as I would on the good stuff. Suggestions???

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Walking Target

Is it just me, or are you often shocked by the amount of money that you spend at Target. These people are marketing geniuses. Walk into any Target mid morning on a school day, and all you will see are moms meandering through the aisles with their small children. Granted, the age of the kiddos truly determines the pace. If a cart passes by you at warped speed, you can be rest assured that she has a two or three year old on the verge of melt down. Target has their niche figured out. For those moments when your child is sick of shopping...TADDA..."THE DOLLAR BINS". Yes, we all know that it is really just cheap crap from China, but IT IS ONLY A DOLLAR!!

As you walk through the sea of makeup and greeting cards it is hard not to hear, "if you sit still and let mommy shop you can pick something from the dollar bin". This mere phrase seems to mollify even the grumpiest toddler.

FIERCE!!

Here is a picture of my friend and I meeting Tim Gunn. I was sporting a dress that was two years old. He didn't say a thing. Whoo Hoo! Let me tell you ladies, this guy is so adorable. I only wish that he could be my personal stylist!

Drama Queen in Training

So yesterday I picked up Ella from MMO and the teacher said that Ella was the class drama queen. I wasn't sure if I should giggle at that remark or if it was something that I was suppose to work on at home. Is this a bad thing or something that is a passing phase. I decided to go straight to the source the dictionary.

dra·ma queen (plural dra·ma queens)
noun
Definition:
melodramatic person: somebody who likes to make a drama out of a situation by acting in an emotional way : a person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions

Hmmmm:
I prefer to define a “drama queen” as someone who is very passionate about how she feels and communicates this exuberance in a magnified way that can be out-of-proportion to the situation at-hand. How’s that for a politically correct definition?!

I actually found a website that discussed ways to calm your inner drama queen, try explaining them to a toddler!!!

the phantom finger

Claire is now walking across rooms. When she walks, she has to hold up one clenched fist in the air. We call this the phantom finger grip. It is really cute!

We had a great Sunday celebrating my parents 39th anniversary. They came over to our house for brunch and played with the kiddos. My mother just got back from a girls trip to Disney World and brought Ella and Claire Minny Mouse hats. I can't wait to show the girls the magic of Disney, but I think we will wait until they are 3 and 4.