Zip it .com

One of the wonderful things about pre-schoolers, is that they tell it like it is. One of the worst thing about pre-schoolers, is that they tell it at the top of their lungs at the most inopportune moments. The girls and I were in the gym locker room. I was gathering up our bags, when I notice Ella staring a a lady changing her clothes. I asked Ella to come close to me and help me, so she would stop staring. She enthusiastically yelled, "OK Mommy!! That lady looks like Strega Nona, she has an angry face." I was mortified, I turned to apologize to the woman and low and behold it really was a spiting image of the book character Strega Nona. I murmured an apology and yanked the girls out of the room. Ella kept insisting in a spectacularly loud voice, "She is Strega Nona Mommy, she has lots of wrinkles too!" I whisked her over to a corner and told her that it is not nice to talk about people. She looked at me, wrinkling her little forehead and said, "I was OBSERVING Mommy, just like Sid the science kid." What the heck am I suppose to say to that? So I just told her it is fine to observe but next time whisper her observations into my ear, like a secret. I was feeling pretty good about my parenting skills, when not a minute later Claire my two year old, yells "That man is picking his nose, that is nasty and dirty!" Really??? I then attempt to march the kiddos to the car as fast as I can, but every few steps Ella says, "I need to whisper to you". I bend down and she says, "The grass is green. There is a brown ant on the ground." Two more steps..."Stop Mommy I have a secret....the wind is blowing my hair." So much for my "brilliant" parenting skills.

wedgie and you know it clap your hands

Today I was admiring my kiddos tushies at the pool. Their little swim suits had crept into their cracks. They could care less, they were waving their cracks in the air like they just don't care! I splashed over to attempt to extract the material from Ella's crack when I had to stop myself. She has her entire life to be concerned about wedgies, why make her self conscious about it now. I was temped to let my suit creep where the sun don't shine, to feel free like my girls. Yeah...I couldn't do it. I have some sort of warning system that goes off if material even shifts near the vicinity of the crack. I also quite often suffer from the phantom wedgie curse. If I am in my swim suit I am constantly checking to a make sure that everything is in place. If you have a wedgie and you know it clap you hands.

Poop a saurus

You gotta love kiddos. They tell it like it is, no holds bar. The other day I was taking Ella to dance class when my IBS " reared" it's ugly head. Those of you that know me well, know that I have been battling IBS for years, and I always seem to have an attack in the most inopportune moments. Back to the story... I am cursing under my breath, moaning, whining, yelling at the cars ahead of me to hurry up. We pull up to the dance studio and I tell Ella that I am going to the potty and she needs to sit on the bench and put on her dance shoes. I fling open the studio door and Ella announces to everyone there, "My mommy needs to go poop RIGHT NOW!" I feel my face burn with embarrassment. I rush to the bathroom just in time to see a little five year old girl shut the door. Really? I attempt to hide behind the lost and found box. I have broken out in a cold sweat, my legs are shaking. I hear the little girl turning on and off water, giggling. Here I am in agony and this little girl is playing in the darn water. Ella can see that I am in pain, so she yells at the door, "My Mommy needs to go poop, she might poop in her pants!" I could feel the eyes in the room turn their attention to my sweaty, red face. Finally, the little girl skips out of the bathroom, I race in. I made it, barely. After I left the restroom Ella asks in her little high pitched voice," Are your panties clean, or do you have to change?" Nice!

Facebook Freaks

I have been suffering from a bout of insomnia for the past several weeks. I fall asleep fast and then wake up at 3:00 am like clockwork. I lay in bed thinking of all of the things that I need to get done. Last night when I woke up, I was determined to do something productive with my insomnia. I decided that I would clean the kitchen. I trudged down the stairs, tripped over a renegade Cinderella doll, and spewed out a few curse words. Somehow between the bed and the stairs I lost my motivation to do anything. So what did I do??? Facebook of course. Try this next time you can't sleep. ..plug in your last name and see who else out there has the same one as you. Talk about scary! I entered in my maiden name and discovered that the gene pool associate with my last name is pretty shallow. Ok, so there were 330 people with the same last name and I know that I am related to 10 of them. Who knew that a rebel flag flanked by a mullet would be strutting around out there with my last name! The worst profile picture was that of an obese man attempting to lick his own nipple. Tonight I think I will try my married name.

Not your average TOOL

The other night I finally became interesting. Jeff and I dropped the kiddos off at my parents and headed out to the Most Interesting Academy (http://dosequis.com/academy) hosted by dos equis. OK, I have no luck with winning contests, the lottery, or any sport but for some reason luck is always on my side when it comes to getting into parties. In Vegas, we got on two VIP lists to the top clubs, perhaps they see me and think that poor homely mom needs a night out. Anyway, apparently there were over 9,000 RSVP's for this event and only 800 got in and we were one of the 800, dumb luck. Our plan was to catch the shuttle bus and be whisked away 55 miles to a castle out in BFE for the party of the century...all for free. As you know, if I see the word free I am all over it. We parked the car and headed over to the pick up point and saw the line. Hundreds of people waiting for free beer, a castle, and Bear Grylls who was suppose to be skydiving into the party. We waited for an hour in the 105 degree heat and thought...let's just drive. So we drove the hour and 15 minutes to the castle found parking on the side of the road and just walked into the party. According to our local newspaper, several hundred others were stranded in a cow pasture waiting for a parking shuttle that never came. We on the other hand, were having a blast. There were water slides, free beer booths, amazing food, and the opportunity to become interesting. I ate a few chef prepared bugs, seriously if seasoned just right you can get over the crunch. I danced, I peed in the woods, and I am embarrassed to admit rode the water slide after peeing. Ladies, you know what I am talking about when I mention the splash factor. For some reason, it never dawned on me that others were doing the same thing. There were a few guys that chose to forgo a bathing suit and slide down nude. No one really wants to see that...the water was a bit cold if you catch my drift. So, for a moment I felt cool and interesting. Now I am back to being a mom and a wife. Laundry, dishes, potty training, and poop. Yeah!

Spin this!

Due in part to my daughter's comments on my gut and my burning desire to feel cool I attempted a spin class. I was apparently not firing on all cylinders when I decided to attend. I bruised or broke my tail bone a few years back. Thanks to my brother's burning desire to throw me from a wave runner, I occasionally have difficulty sitting for long periods of time. So why I thought that a spin class would be fun, I do not know. I strode into the class a bit early. I was sporting my only matching Adidas workout shorts and top. (thanks Ross Dress for Less) My hair was in a messy pony tail, ready to bike my butt and gut away. The room had two giant screens projecting scenes from the tour de France. I suppose this was to make the participants feel like we were really biking, not just going nowhere. The instructor was an adorable perky gal with an amazing bod. I glanced around the room looking for a bike near the back. Score...back right corner! I must have looked like a complete moron attempting to adjust the bike, because the instructor came bouncing over and suggested that she take over. I need to mention that the bike seat was about four sizes too small in my opinion. Where was the beginner banana seat with a back rest?? I hoisted myself onto the minuscule seat and began a workout from hell. My legs ached, my arms were weary, but my rear end was screaming in agony. My hemorrhoids that have been in "remission" flared, my rear bruising with every complete rotation of the peddles. I cursed myself for not wearing an overnight maxi pad or better yet the giant pads that I was given after giving birth to my children. Never again will I spin. So if you see me this week, I'm not walking funny because I had a good time last night!

Really

After two weeks of "vacation", followed by a week of wedding events I gained several pounds. Sadly it was not due to the food I ate, but more likely due to the beverages that I willfully consumed. My sweet little Ella stated today after pulling up my shirt and patting my tummy, "I sure hope you don't have a baby in your tummy because that is not a good idea".

Butt sweat

Sorry I have been off line for a while. The past week has been crazy and my laptop bit the dust. My little brother got married on Friday and we were all in the wedding. It was a fantastic affair. Ella and Claire were flower girls. An hour before the wedding, both girls were whining, their faces streaked with tears and their noses bursting with snot bubbles. Ella had diarrhea and Claire kept pulling out her hair accessories. They refused to pose for any pictures. I think one of the only ones with Ella in it has her picking her nose. So much for my dreams of my two little cherubs posing in their beautiful white dresses. I was terrified of what they would do when they walked down the aisle. I was a brides maid so I walked down the aisle first followed by two other gals. My girls were on their own to perform. Tears of relief ran down my cheeks as I watched as they dutifully walked slowly down the aisle dropping the flower petals. The reception was fab, both girls danced and had a ball. My girlfriend picked them up and took them home just when they were starting to lose it. I owned the dance floor at the reception. I don't think that I sat down once. I downloaded my pictures the following day and discovered that I had a giant stain on my dress. The stain is perfectly situated on my rear end. I had been wiggling it, shaking it and twirling it all around the dance floor. Every picture seems to have my dancing stained rear in it. Jeff thought at first it was butt sweat, but I was wearing cotton panties AND spanx! I checked my dress, sure enough there is a giant stain of what appears to be BBQ sauce and grease. Either I was sabbatoged or I sat in something like an entire plate of BBQ??? Check out the picture...it is NOT BUTT SWEAT!!!