campophobia

campophobia- the fear of camping. I have been suffering from this since being emotionally scared at girl scout camp in 4th grade. I vaguely remember the flashlight light that fell down the latrine, ticks, dirt, rain. Did I mention the bugs? I know emotionally scared, may be a tad bit too dramatic. But seriously, I am a wimp and I do not camp. I married a man that grew up with two other brothers camping quite often. Early on in our marriage Jeff realized much to his chagrin, that my idea of camping is leaving the balcony door open all night at the Westin in Puerta Vallarta. Pathetic, I know... This weekend we are going with a few other families CAMPING. All of our friends have been warned this this is my virginal camping trip. I am nervous about the whole thing. I have told my husband that all of the preparations are up to him. I think his secret plan is to liquor me up so that I forget about my fears. All I can say is alcohol means more bathroom trips and who knows what is lurking in a camp ground potty. I know the girls and my husband will have a blast. Deep breath...bring it on! I have emphatically stated that if I hate it I will not go again. I am all about daddy daughter camping trips. They camp, I stay home lounging around in my jammies,read a few books, drink a few glasses of wine and potty in my sparkling clean, bug free potty.

Vomit, Poop, Gas Oh My

We have returned from a wonderful, although far from perfect trip to the beach. A few days before the trip Claire started this whole vomit in her bed around 2:00 am. We gave her a little empty plastic wipe box that she carried around with her. Claire would look up at you bat her long lashes and say in a sad little voice, "this is my vomit box". Each night, I would find vomit in her box, I started thinking that perhaps she was doing this on purpose to get attention (I read it on WebMD). Was I creating a bulimic? The day before our beach vacation I took her into the doctor. The doctor was appalled by my questioning whether Claire was doing this on purpose. I protested that I had read about children doing this on the web. He rolled his eyes and sighed. Did I feel like mother of the year or what at that point...not so much. He suggested that I give her Maalox at night. On to our beach vacation... poor little Claire had vomiting and diarrhea that reared its ugly head at 2:00 in the morning each night that we were there. All I can say is thank God there was a washer and dryer in the condo. I should have packed the vomit box. Other than loads of laundry and Clorox wipes, we had a great time!

Spin Doctor

I have a feeling Ella just may have a career in politics. She isn't gregarious or outgoing, but she sure can put a spin on any situation. The other day the girls and I went again to Wal-mart, this time I will admit that I bribed them with McDonald's. After a pleasantly uneventful shopping trip, we sat down to eat. Ella looked over and noticed a young man with a very interesting hairdo. Being the observant child that she is, she felt it necessary to announce to the restaurant that the man had very crazy hair. "Look Mommy, look at him with the crazy hair." I gave her the evil eye and whispered that a comment like that could hurt his feelings. So, in a much louder voice Ella proclaims, "That man has crazy, beautiful hair. Did you hear that Mommy crazy BEAUTIFUL hair." The man looked over at us and smiled. "See that I made him happy, crazy is beautiful Mommy." Love that girl!

On a side note,, if you are looking for a laugh check out:
www.peopleofwalmart.com

Gag me with a spoon

Grody to the max it is back! The acid washed jeans of my youth are back in, ankel zipper and all. The pair pictured are for sale for a mere 280.00. If I had only saved my vintage jeans to sell on ebay I would be rich. Word to your mother! .
I am so going to pinch roll my jeans tomorrow!

Potty Talk

I must admit I am having difficulty blogging lately. I loath the computer, I think this is all due to the fact that I now have another part-time/part-time job as a ghost writer. Mysterious isn't it? The crappy thing is now my computer is a necessary tool for my job and no longer my escape from reality. I won't lie, I have been occasionally checking out the trashy gossip sites just to see Jon "Gross"elin and yell at his douche bag picture. Anyway a little update:
Claire is now officially potty trained, she has mastered the poop in the potty bit. She has also discovered a new manipulation tool. If she is doing something that she doesn't like her new phrase is, "I have to go poop, my poop is coming out now!" She yells this at restaurants if she is done with her food, and doesn't want to sit and wait while we finish. She yells this if it is not her turn to ride on the back of the shopping cart in Walmart. The other day she yelled that eloquent phrase in the quiet library. Talk about the stink eye, The guy in the back corner surfing porn even looked up and gave me a dirty look. I get the cry wolf thing, but I don't want to take any chances. If you have ever attempted to clean poop out of panties, you would know what I mean.

While we are on the subject of poop, I am finally getting my IBS looked at. I have a few unpleasant tests that I scheduled a few days before our trip to the beach. I plan to look good in my swimsuit darn it. The colonoscopy prep is a bitch, but it is a great way to purge a few pounds just by literally sitting on your ass. This brings me back to a question, whatever happened to the cushioned toilet seats from the 80's. Remember those? My parents had one, it let out a whooshing sound whenever you sat on it. Your butt cheeks would sweat and stick to the seat if you sat too long. I couldn't find one online like I had as a kid, but I did find this gem (see picture). According to the site, "The Rivers Edge Products Deer Round Toilet Seat adds an element of surprise to any bathroom." Yes, you too could get the thrill of a life time for just 64.95!