campophobia

campophobia- the fear of camping. I have been suffering from this since being emotionally scared at girl scout camp in 4th grade. I vaguely remember the flashlight light that fell down the latrine, ticks, dirt, rain. Did I mention the bugs? I know emotionally scared, may be a tad bit too dramatic. But seriously, I am a wimp and I do not camp. I married a man that grew up with two other brothers camping quite often. Early on in our marriage Jeff realized much to his chagrin, that my idea of camping is leaving the balcony door open all night at the Westin in Puerta Vallarta. Pathetic, I know... This weekend we are going with a few other families CAMPING. All of our friends have been warned this this is my virginal camping trip. I am nervous about the whole thing. I have told my husband that all of the preparations are up to him. I think his secret plan is to liquor me up so that I forget about my fears. All I can say is alcohol means more bathroom trips and who knows what is lurking in a camp ground potty. I know the girls and my husband will have a blast. Deep breath...bring it on! I have emphatically stated that if I hate it I will not go again. I am all about daddy daughter camping trips. They camp, I stay home lounging around in my jammies,read a few books, drink a few glasses of wine and potty in my sparkling clean, bug free potty.

Vomit, Poop, Gas Oh My

We have returned from a wonderful, although far from perfect trip to the beach. A few days before the trip Claire started this whole vomit in her bed around 2:00 am. We gave her a little empty plastic wipe box that she carried around with her. Claire would look up at you bat her long lashes and say in a sad little voice, "this is my vomit box". Each night, I would find vomit in her box, I started thinking that perhaps she was doing this on purpose to get attention (I read it on WebMD). Was I creating a bulimic? The day before our beach vacation I took her into the doctor. The doctor was appalled by my questioning whether Claire was doing this on purpose. I protested that I had read about children doing this on the web. He rolled his eyes and sighed. Did I feel like mother of the year or what at that point...not so much. He suggested that I give her Maalox at night. On to our beach vacation... poor little Claire had vomiting and diarrhea that reared its ugly head at 2:00 in the morning each night that we were there. All I can say is thank God there was a washer and dryer in the condo. I should have packed the vomit box. Other than loads of laundry and Clorox wipes, we had a great time!

Spin Doctor

I have a feeling Ella just may have a career in politics. She isn't gregarious or outgoing, but she sure can put a spin on any situation. The other day the girls and I went again to Wal-mart, this time I will admit that I bribed them with McDonald's. After a pleasantly uneventful shopping trip, we sat down to eat. Ella looked over and noticed a young man with a very interesting hairdo. Being the observant child that she is, she felt it necessary to announce to the restaurant that the man had very crazy hair. "Look Mommy, look at him with the crazy hair." I gave her the evil eye and whispered that a comment like that could hurt his feelings. So, in a much louder voice Ella proclaims, "That man has crazy, beautiful hair. Did you hear that Mommy crazy BEAUTIFUL hair." The man looked over at us and smiled. "See that I made him happy, crazy is beautiful Mommy." Love that girl!

On a side note,, if you are looking for a laugh check out:
www.peopleofwalmart.com

Gag me with a spoon

Grody to the max it is back! The acid washed jeans of my youth are back in, ankel zipper and all. The pair pictured are for sale for a mere 280.00. If I had only saved my vintage jeans to sell on ebay I would be rich. Word to your mother! .
I am so going to pinch roll my jeans tomorrow!

Potty Talk

I must admit I am having difficulty blogging lately. I loath the computer, I think this is all due to the fact that I now have another part-time/part-time job as a ghost writer. Mysterious isn't it? The crappy thing is now my computer is a necessary tool for my job and no longer my escape from reality. I won't lie, I have been occasionally checking out the trashy gossip sites just to see Jon "Gross"elin and yell at his douche bag picture. Anyway a little update:
Claire is now officially potty trained, she has mastered the poop in the potty bit. She has also discovered a new manipulation tool. If she is doing something that she doesn't like her new phrase is, "I have to go poop, my poop is coming out now!" She yells this at restaurants if she is done with her food, and doesn't want to sit and wait while we finish. She yells this if it is not her turn to ride on the back of the shopping cart in Walmart. The other day she yelled that eloquent phrase in the quiet library. Talk about the stink eye, The guy in the back corner surfing porn even looked up and gave me a dirty look. I get the cry wolf thing, but I don't want to take any chances. If you have ever attempted to clean poop out of panties, you would know what I mean.

While we are on the subject of poop, I am finally getting my IBS looked at. I have a few unpleasant tests that I scheduled a few days before our trip to the beach. I plan to look good in my swimsuit darn it. The colonoscopy prep is a bitch, but it is a great way to purge a few pounds just by literally sitting on your ass. This brings me back to a question, whatever happened to the cushioned toilet seats from the 80's. Remember those? My parents had one, it let out a whooshing sound whenever you sat on it. Your butt cheeks would sweat and stick to the seat if you sat too long. I couldn't find one online like I had as a kid, but I did find this gem (see picture). According to the site, "The Rivers Edge Products Deer Round Toilet Seat adds an element of surprise to any bathroom." Yes, you too could get the thrill of a life time for just 64.95!

Walmart and motherhood

The other day I had a low parenting moment. I happen to believe that on most days I am a really good mommy. On some days however; I sob at night thinking about my day. A week ago I had one of those days. I should have known it was going to be a bad day, when the girls had a melt down going in to the gym, and then again when I picked them up. I should not have pushed it, but I had errands to run. Super Walmart was front and center on my list. As a parent you know that Nordstrom's is not the place for two little ones on the verge of melt downs, but Walmart... now, Walmart you have a little leeway. I know it is bad to judge, but I have seen some pretty piss poor parenting at the Walmart, where shoes after 5:00 are optional. There always seems to be announcement about a lost child. I figured that we would be in and out and a little "drama" would not be the end of the world. It was close to the end of the world. Claire hurtled herself out of the shopping cart and took off. I had to run after her and scoop up her skinny little 25 pound rear. I gently thrust-ed her into the cart seat and buckled her in. Ella was being great and then out of the blue she decided to throw a fit about the kind of fruit snacks I was planning on buying. What the heck? I walked down the aisle to grab something else and saw her launch about 10 boxes of her favorite snack into the card. Claire is just cracking up. Son of a &*($@!! I got on her level and attempted to talk to her about it...who am I kidding, I probably yelled just a bit. At that moment, little Miss Houdini managed to escape. The shopping trip ended with both kids sitting in time out facing the depends boxes. It was the least populated aisle. So yes, I am a WALMART SHOPPER!!

I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody

"I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." I am being inducted into society for key woman educators in October. The other day I attended a introduction meeting. I knew that this was quite an honor and I went into the meeting pulsating with self esteem only to be shot down, my confidence withering as it went splat on the concrete floor. There is noting quite like introducing your self after five amazingly impressive women with PHd's and honors up the wazoo. My turn...."I am taking a break to stay at home with my kiddos, but I am very passionate about education." My honors and glory are years old, I am not use to feeling like I am at the bottom on the barrel. I cried on the way home and then my hubby made me a great drink. Love my hubby always knows what to do!!

Hootchie Mama

Who wears short shorts...mommy wears short shorts. I met a friend for a play date today and I was appalled by the length of my shorts. Perhaps I have become Elasti- girl and my legs have gotten longer?? I purchased them at Old Navy this spring and I swear I don't recall them being this short. Daisy Dukes are not attractive on a 34 year old mommy, esp. a mommy that has been meaning to buy a new razor. So my dear friend, I sincerely apologize for exposing you and your children to my pasty white, unshaven legs.

Wits end

My IBS has "reared" its ugly head again, this time it invited Mr. Migraine to join the party. Yeah! There is nothing like teaching a bunch of four olds and having to rush out to the bathroom. One of my students enthusiastically questioned me about my wiping ability and the professed the benefits of a good moist wipe. Potty talk is always a favorite topic amongst the preschool set.

I have spent the last several hours rushing to the bathroom and staring at a computer screen looking for a place to stay at the beach at the end of September. When advertising a beach condo or house, the main picture should NOT be a photo of a nautical shower curtain. I don't care how jaunty the curtain is... you are not winning me over.

I am watching the clock dreading the 5:00 hour, time for Ella's swim class. That child has the uncanny ability to formulate a fairly impressive list of excuses from a scratch on her leg which causes unexplained immobility, to the fact that her hair hurts so she can't possibly swim.

Sweet Punishment

Our local gym is giving away free copies of a Harlequin romance novel in the locker room. After I changed the girls out of their swim suits, Ella ran over to the books and grabbed one. She can't read yet so I thought...what is the harm?? This romance paperback novel features a swarthy man, dripping with passion and a "do me" expression on the cover is now Ella's new favorite thing. She wants to take the darn thing everywhere. There is nothing like walking into Nordstrom's with your 3 year old clinging to soft porn. She is looking for letters, commenting on the page numbers and making up her own stories which have nothing to do with the hunk on the front cover. In the car today, she was "reading" a part of the book where bunnies and butterflies were playing a game in the garden. Little did she know, that the passage that she may have been reading was describing a far different game. Perhaps hide the sausage?

Priceless Picking

Flower-girl dress 65.00
Wide width shoes 45.00
Fluffy socks 5.00

Blackmail photo....Priceless

Super Why meets Donkey

I have always considered myself an intelligent person. I am college educated and have a passion for learning new things. Yes, I guess that I would describe myself as a pretty smart cookie. That was until my three and a half year old daughter discovered the word..."WHY??". The questions started off fairly easy, but now not so much. I am feeling a little dumber every day. I do thank Google for helping me answer the never ending questions. Today's random question, "Do birds toot?".