Wasted on Youth

So today I asked my oldest, Ella what she liked most about our vacation. She said that she liked it when we went to the zoo and it was pouring down rain and she had to tinkle in Claire's diaper. (We were stuck during a down pour hiding out under the lion shelter when Ella had to go, no potty insight) I can't tell you how thrilled I am that after two weeks of "fun" this is all that she remembered the most. Darn! I foolishly asked my two year old that replied, "The train scared me." I repeated the question, and got another shrill little shriek and a dramatic sob about the scary train. Really??? The credit card bills will come in in a few weeks, I gained 5 pounds, I packed, I planned, and these are their sweet little memories???

MJ lover all the way

I wanted to marry him when I was in third grade. I love him and yes, I did cry when I heard on the train that he had died. I had a couple of drinks tonight to numb my pain. I want to send a shout out to my bro for planning to include thriller in his wedding. I was the president of my neighborhood fan club in St. Louis. What a tragedy. Sorry from my ramble but he was the king of pop and a love of my pre teen life. This was my theme song in JR high!

survivor

We are back. Two weeks living out of suit cases, 2000 miles in the car, water parks, a train trip and tantrums galore. The family trip is over and done. I can now look back on it and smile. On the whole, it was really good, but as with any vacation nothing is perfect. I must give kudos to myself, I did a wonderful job of packing and managed to not forget anything. We also didn't lose anything major...there were a few moments that I was worried about my sanity, but that passed. The next few days I will chronicle a few of the amusing situations that occurred.

Single ladies, potty breaks, mullets oh my!

We have made it to Louisville KY. I have finally procured a laptop to fill everyone in on our trip. I want to stress the way to survive a family vacation is to keep your expectations very low, that way you will only be pleasantly surprised. Due to the fact that my time on the computer is short, here are a few of my latest observations:
* Driving 12 hours with a 2 and 3 year old is only made bearable by a portable DVD player and potty breaks. Benadryl does nothing for a 2 year old determined not to sleep. In fact, it just makes her higher than a kite. After refusing to nap, we pulled into the hotel @ 10:30. Claire stayed up talking, and singing in her crib until 12:00. Jeff and I attempted to be stern with her about being quiet, but when she busted out in her shrill little voice, "All the single ladies, calling all the single ladies!" we had to crack up.
* Waffle House is the best place ever to eat with kiddos. Seriously, your parenting skills and lack of personal hygiene after spending hours in a car will go completely unnoticed!
* Too much McDonald's causes excessive gas, screw the fact that they have a germ infested playground. I don't care how much your kiddos want to play, if it is raining out and you cannot open the windows to breath in a little fresh air... skip it!
* Kentucky is the land of the mullets and a few do in fact wear hammer pants. I saw a beautiful black suede pair, in the 85 degree heat.
* There is actually a company called 1-800-got-junk. If a family member says they work there it is NOT a JOKE. Do not laugh. Yep, I totally made a donkey out of myself with that one.

Tomorrow we head to Chicago, a six hour drive. Funny how six hours seems like nothing after 12. may the force be with us.

Highway to Hell

In a little more than 28 hours we are getting in the car for a two week road trip. I spent weeks packing and planning, my husband is planning to pack his stuff tonight. He figures that will take him about 5 minutes. Yeah for him. Our house sitter will arrive tomorrow, so I have to clean the house. I have nothing nice to say at the moment so I will leave you with a few quotes.

“A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.”

“A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort and remembered with nostalgia”

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one”

Insane in the Rogaine

I won a free facial from a "medical spa". They were at our gym advertising botox and laser hair removal. I can't pass up a chance to win something, so I dropped my name in the box to win free services. I won a facial. Whoo Hoo. Why I chose four days from our trip when I have so much to do...insanity I suppose. I looked up the company and all I could find was hair implants, apparently the company specializes in plugs but is attempting to branch out. I walked into the testosterone filled waiting room. There were four different men all in various stages of "plugs". I really tried not to stare, but it fascinated me. I just couldn't look away. I tried to busy myself looking at the menu of various treatments, but my eyes just kept being drawn to some poor mans head. I just hope that the plugs are a process, because if I were to describe his hairline, the word "natural" would not be in my description. I was finally called back into the room. The woman asked if I would rather have a relaxing hour long facial or microderm abrasion. My mind flashed back to the menu of services...the facial was 100.00, the microderm abrasion was 147.00. I am all about the deal, screw the relaxation I want the most expensive "free" thing I can get. I am thinking this may have been a mistake. Half way into the procedure the woman mentioned, I may have a breakout out in about four days. Great... just in time for my vacation. Just in time to see people I have not seen in years and I will look like a darn pizza face. Basically, this wasn't a free facial because afterwords I ran to Ulta and blew some money on acne concealer just in case.

Cornhole

What is it with corn? My girls love corn on the cob esp. Claire. She can wolf down a cob in no time flat. Unfortunately, her digestive system is not quite as efficient. I changed her diaper yesterday after her nap. I really think that she doesn't chew. On another note... Four days and counting until our road trip or as I call it Highway to Hell tour 2009. Yes, hours of "good times" in a rental car with a potty training two and three year old. Bliss. Anyone know where I can purchase a ankle flask?

Painting Nudes

I am sitting outside while the girls are painting. They are both in their panties. Claire has decided to forgo the paper and paint her body. Good times...that was until she took off her panties and began painting her crotch region to "look like mommy". Not sure why she chose purple...

Too Legit to Quit?

"Are you Too Legit to Quit? Do you think Anything Goes on the Dance Floor? If so, then you should Pray that you're Big Man enough to kick it old skool with some Hammer Pants -- because baby, they're back." Yes, ladies that is in fact a quote from an article in stylelist. So, it is time to let your crotch hang low and let it wobble to and fro. Gone is the fear of panty lines or the outline of a super maxi overnight pad. If they didn't look like my daughters soaked diaper after playing in the sprinkler for hours, I may be inclined to purchase them. Who knew the crotch dump pants would come back!!! Yes, and they are making a come back. Women are in fact wearing the hammer pants which are now know as "harem pants". I found a pair of silk Harem pants for a bargain price of...wait for it...198.00! "These pants look surprisingly sophisticated and sexy, especially in black." Really? When I see a droopy crotch, the word sexy doesn't come to mind. The first one of my friends that purchases a pair and wears them out to a club, I will buy a drink. Any takers??

Rain???

I just logged on to our local news to check the weather for tomorrow. It read "Cloudy with a 30% chance of rain?" That's right there was actually a question mark in the forecast. Really? I could forecast a question mark! Thanks News 8, I do appreciate your honesty.

Supermarket loathing

Down the road, about 5 miles away there is a wonderful swank grocery store that offers at least 4 free wine samples, fresh cheese samples, balloons and stickers for the kiddos, and sparkling clean shopping carts. One can stroll about listening to Sarah Mclaughlin being pumped through the bose speakers. The store closest to me, the same chain mind you, is what we affectionately call the ghetto store. I kid you not, today the tune crackling through the speakers was Sir Mix-a-lot's, "Baby Got Back". Don't get me wrong, I am actually a Sir Mix-a-lot fan, but the disparity is blatant. So are the prices, so I stick to the ghetto. Today I saw two children tethered to a shopping cart, they were tandem mind you. Who knew there was a tandem leash?? Not that the tethering did much good the poor woman appeared to be chasing after her cart. After fighting the crowds, I finally get up to the conveyor belt. I am anal about unloading my items. I like to categorize them, veggies go first, then fruits, frozen items...you get it. I grew up going to the commissary and that is what my mother always did to help the baggers out. I do it just because I am that anal. Usually, I figure out that I have grabbed an item that I don't need. Then I am faced with the dilemma, do I nonchalantly stick on the candy rack, or do I give it to the cashier and apologize profusely while getting the stink eye. Today I did well, no extra items, but I did God forbid have coupons. The cashier sighed, rolled his eyes and aggressively began scanning them. Really? Why is it such trouble to DO YOUR JOB? After I paid, I noticed all of my wonderful categorizing had been for naught, there was no bagger and the items were heaped together at the end of the "runway". The cashier made no move to start bagging. I felt like we were in a stale mate, should I be a douche bag and wait for him to bag, or should I just do it the right way. I folded. The tool just stood there and watched me. I was really wishing that Pink's "So What" song was playing through the cheap JVC speakers...Na na na na na I wanna start a fight!