Hair is a battlefield

My sweet little redhead,

I want you to know that I love you.  You keep me on my toes and give me plenty of fodder for my blog.  Perhaps I overreacted a tad bit when you chose to butcher your beautiful long red hair.    Wailing and screaming, it was not my greatest parenting moment.  Yes, I did request that you sit in timeout with a mirror to stare at your hair.   Your beautiful hair is now a "high fashioned mullet".  I understand that this hairstyle has been featured in fashion magazines as of late. 

I hum  Pat Benatar songs when I see you sometimes.  My darling daughter...you have "Hit me with your best shot",  now I am "All Fired Up".  You are a "Heartbreaker".  "Love is a Battlefield" and that is why this picture will be prominently displayed at your wedding because I love you.


Mommy

Goodwill Hunting

I love Goodwill hunting,  I really do.  It may have become a borderline addiction.  I need to stop by every week, just to check.  I don't ALWAYS buy things.  My hubby gave me the gift of guilt free time away from the family for Mother's Day.  I was going to treat myself to a pedicure.  I was just about to pass Goodwill, but some crazy force made it impossible to pass up.  I pulled in and made my way to the door.  I pulled open the door, inhaling the musty smell of  deals to be found.  The cashier shouts, "Hey girl!  Welcome Back!"  I am telling you Goodwill is my own personal Cheers Bar, where everyone knows your name...or just calls you"girl".  I start my usual trek around the store.  I have a method, which I may or may not write in an ebook on someday.  One of my last stops in my GW routine is the dresses.  There I hit pay dirt, an Alice + Olivia dress in my size!  (shout out to google for knowing all of the designers)  This was a 230 dollar dress for 6.50, in my size!  Well, hello Mother's Day gift to me.    I gleefully make my way to the dressing room, nodding to Lurking Larry who is ALWAYS there.   I lock myself into the dressing room, pulling the dress over my head a bit snug, but I still had my shorts on underneath.  I gracefully manage pulling off my shorts, feet not touching the floor.   Now all I had to do was zip this baby up, zip this baby up, zip.  Yes, a bit tight, my diaphragm was being squeezed and  my ribs were aching due to the pressure.  

That is when I came to the realization that this dress was not for me, and the designer obviously doesn't know her sizes.    Gently tugging on the expensive zipper, it slowly moves down and then stops.  So, I tug on it a bit more aggressively...nothing.  I suck it in, envisioning my ribs shifting and yank one more time.  The zipper pull comes off in my sweaty palm.   I begin to panic.  Sweat begins to trickle down my back  while attempting to yank the dress around so I could take a look at the zipper.   My sweat is not helping the situation, nor is the fact that Lurking Larry pounds on my door asking if I need any help.   My God, what if I need to have Lurking Larry help me!  That thought alone caused my panic to hit epic levels.  Taking a shallow breath, to calm my nerves it dawns on me, I will need to channel my inner MacGyver.  Seriously, WWMD?  

The solution came to me just as I was about to pass out due to lack of air.  A pen, I can use a pen!  I jam the pen into the tiny hole that once held the zipper pull.  I tug a bit, nothing... I yank this time cursing under my breath and it MOVES!  It takes me about 10 minutes, finally freeing me of the evil vice.  Free at last...    35 minutes in the dressing room, sweat glistening on my brow, and Lurking Larry's expression as I walked out...priceless.

Worst day of her life

"This is the worst day of my entire life," my daughter sobs.  Her eyes are red and streams of tears are dripping down her cheeks.  My darling daughter, I hope this really is the worst day of your life.  I hope your heart never hurts more than it does right now.   

Today, someone adopted the last puppy we have been fostering through the Animal Shelter.    Today, the big beautiful tree that shaded our front yard was taken down.  Today, my daughter mourned the  birds nests that she will never again watch from her window.  Today, she said goodbye to her furry little friend. 

In her eight years of life, this day was the first time I saw the twinkle in her eye dull just a bit.   My darling girl, the road ahead will be full of twists, turns, potholes, peaks and valleys.  I will be your cheerleader, your cloak, your calm in the storm.   I will pick you up when you fall, dust you off, and watch as you continue on your journey.  Even on the "worst day of your life", I will be there.

Kicking it old school

A few days ago I was talking to a friend about playgrounds and how "safe" they have become.  We began reminiscing about the play equipment of the past.  After our chat, I began to wonder, do my children really know what a merry go round is?  Have they ever been on a seesaw?  

Thus began my quest, to discover old school playground equipment.  The tall metal slides, seesaws, and  merry go rounds of the past.  I wanted my girls to climb up a metal ladder, going higher and higher, then sit down on top of the toasty metal and fly down the slide.  Well, that is unless you have sweaty thighs and then you slowly inch your way down, your thighs squeaking and squawking as your sweaty legs skid along the hot metal.  I want them to climb on a seesaw and have their bottoms raise off the seat as they are propelled into the air and then stop short with a jerk.  I want them to swing their legs at the top, contemplating how to get down.   They should experience a real merry go round.   The kind that as a child I laid flat on my back clutching the metal bars and watched the clouds spin by.

I discovered only one in South Austin.  It is in the Western Oaks neighborhood, near the Hampton Branch Public Library.  My three year old had a blast.  She screamed and giggled as she flew down the tall slide, over and over again.   She squealed with delight when her little bum came off the seat on the seesaw.  She went round and round on the merry go round until her tummy hurt.   She also experience a rite of passage, flying off of the merry go round tumbling to the ground.

Have you discovered any old school playgrounds in your neck of the woods?

Melissa, a former teacher, enjoys finding the humor in her everyday life. Thanks to her three daughters, there is never a dull moment. She has written for MomSense, Scary Mommy, and several local websites. Her blog, Domestic Engineering, helps to keep her sane.  In her "spare" tie she dreams of one day becoming a spokesmodel for StarSearch.

Skanky

When I was younger,  I sort of wanted to be the chick standing next to the car at car shows.  You know the one the one that poses by the car while it slowly rotates.   So when I discovered the Brand Ambassador facebook group, I was excited.  SXSW was just around the corner there were a ton of jobs.  The one that caught my eye, was a company looking for the girl next door type for an event.  I applied and then was sent a more expansive application.  Headshot.... check, measurements check,  photo of me in a bikini?    I opted for a one piece, filled everything out and clicked send.  I was feeling a bit giddy when the next day I received an phone interview.  We discussed my availability, and then I was asked if I had any questions.  "Umm, I just want you to know I don't do skanky."
"What do you mean skanky?"
"Well, you know slutty.  No one really needs to see my C section scar."
~ Click
Needless to say I didn't get the job.  I did however go to SXSW.

The top 5 things that I learned from SXSW:
5. High waisted acid washed cut off jean shorts flatter no one 
4. Head bands should now be called forehead bands
3. Gold lamay spandex are see through, yes girlfriend I saw EVERYTHING
2. Spanx as outerwear is all the rage
1. MC Hammer wants his pants back

Full Circle

Kmart, the kiss of death for social status in Junior High.  My Mother’s favorite store for deals, Kmart.  My utter loathing of the store, epic. Picture this, a sweltering hot September day in Las Vegas.  Our station wagon with peeling wood-grain, prominently parked in the first row of cars in the Kmart parking lot. The windows are open to allow the whisper of a breeze, not unlike the air from an oven when it is opened.   I am  hiding under the seat, drenched in sweat.  My hair is stuffed into a ball cap to cover up my trademark red hair.  I would rather have a heat stroke and literally die than be caught in a “discount” store.   Looking back, I wouldn’t doubt that my Mother chose the parking spot in front, and probably extended the shopping trip by playing the slots at the store.  Yes, even Kmart has slot machines in Vegas.  

Fast forward a decade.  I am buying my makeup at the Clinique counter at Macy's.  I am rocking my Gap jeans, Banana Republic shirt, and Brighton belt.  Flush with cash, a 24K teaching job, and a MasterCard.  

Jump ahead yet another decade, my shopping habits have now come full circle.  My mother taught me at an early age the art of discount shopping.  For many years, I felt scared by those lessons, literally I do have a scar, from a pen cap that was under the station wagon seat.   I have evolved, moved beyond the brand.  Well, that... and now I have three girls, a husband, and am living on one salary.

My name is Melissa, and I am a proud Goodwill shopper.  I pull open the door, inhale the distinct odor of bargains to be found.  A cashier yells, “Welcome to Goodwill...hey Red!”  Goodwill has become my own personal “Cheers”.   You never know what you may find.  A few months ago, I discovered the holy grail of bargains.  My ears always perk up when I hear the groan of a new garment rack being dragged out.  I make a beeline for the rack and before my eyes is an entire wardrobe, all my size, all my favorite brands, some even with tags.  My eyes may have teared up a bit as I dragged the entire rack near the dressing room and slipped on a strapless banana republic dress that was made for me.   I push the rack down the crowded aisle,  attempting not to take anyone out.  Panting, I make it up to the cashier.  She begins the task of manually entering in the 25 or more articles of clothing.   While yanking one more dress off the rack, she peers up at me and asks, “Wonder what happened to this chick, maybe she died”.

My friends now affectionately call her “dead girl”.  If I am wearing a super outfit, chances are if you ask what designer I am wearing, I will proudly say “dead girl”.     So thank you Mom, for teaching me the thrill of finding a bargain.  I look forward to teaching this lesson to my girls as well.  Too bad they won’t be able to hideout in the car because anything under 5 minutes in an unattended car is child abuse.   Just saying...

Poopie Head

I don't understand this whole sibling dynamic. My brother and I are 10 years apart, I am perfect he is not.  I was an only child until I was almost ten.  I loved my brother from the moment he arrived.  When I morphed into a tragic teenager, he was a sweet little boy.    My mother reminds me quite often that "she did it right!"   Lately, I have wondered if she did in fact do it  right.  The dynamics in my home leave me flabbergasted.  E and C argue about everything and anything.   This was the fight this morning at 6:30 am:
C: "Mommy! I went poop"
 E: "I went poop first."
C: "No I did!"
Me: "Who didn't flush the potty?"
C: "Not me, it was E"
E: "It was C, it looks like C's poop."
Me: "Really how do you know what Middle C's  poop looks like? "
 E: "She talks too much when she eats and doesn't chew her food, there were chunks. "

On a positive note, Middle C has been doing well in Kinder.  I had my concerns, but she has earned three super behavior stamps.  When she was chatting about her day, she mentioned that today's stamp was very light because she just barely earned it. She colored her hand black because she wanted to look like the little girl sitting next to her.

Drama on hold ...for a few hours

First day of school, done. 

I asked Middle C about her first day of kinder..."I love my teacher, she thinks I am an awesome skipper, just not in the hall." E's comment about 1st grade, "My teacher is nice, but she must be old like you because sometimes she forgets things...and I heard Claire get yelled at for skipping in the hall."  OK, Miss. "One-upper".  My comment about the first day of school, "Supercalifragilisticexpalidocious ,  almost eight hours without tattling, yelling,or complaining.  Just 3.5 hours until bed time.  Sweet!  

Today also began my life with just one kiddo at home...

Baby A got undivided attention for the first time in... forever.  Our discussion topic, panties.  I felt ambitious and let her sit on the potty and put her in big girl panties.  She sat on her little potty and in the time it took me to get a new roll of T.P. she managed to break the valve under the pedestal sink causing water to spray in her face.  Her eyes were as big as saucers, as I screamed for hubby to turn off the water.  A scurried off the potty, slipping on the wet floor, tears gathering in her eyes and ran to find her diaper.  Yeah, toilet training is not in our future now.  She keeps wandering over to the potty saying, "Potty, water, eyes.  No Potty!"   Hmmm...tomorrow we will try watching Elmo. 

"WILD" Kingdom Late Night

            In our attempt to pack in a few more memories before sending the kid’s off to school, we decide to go to one of our local zoo's.  Our city has the zoo and the "zoo”. I actually prefer to go to the “zoo”. It is down a few back roads littered with one or two mattresses that may or may not have had a crime committed on them, and one "gently mangled" sofa missing an armrest.  This Zoo is tucked away between a few mobile homes, past an abandoned storage shed, down a dirt road.   You really do need a GPS to find it.  It was awesome that we had one in the car.  The only issue was my directionally, absolutely, 100% correct husband did not believe “Xena” our travel warrior.  I watched as he argued with her and chose a different road, after a different road.  “Recalculating…..recalculating…..recalculating”, the miles to the zoo went from 11 to 21.   After an extra 30 minutes and Xena expertly teaching Baby A to now say “recalculating” we made it.

            It was a great time, the weather was good, and the animals stayed behind their bailing wire and duct tape fences.  Then I spotted it, a Zebra that was apparently rather excited.  I am NOT talking about old school Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom excited, I am talking about Discovery Channel Late Night excited.  I did my best to not point it out to the kids, but I HAD to say something to the hubby.  I also, because I really am not mature, thought that I would get a photo op of Middle C standing in front of the “huge” zebra.  She glanced over and posed for the photo.  Just before I snapped the photo, someone got very camera shy.  Claire looked at me after the photo and said, “Wow that Zebra turned from a boy to a girl.  God can do anything on a Sunday.”  Why yes, Middle C, he can.  He can also give my sweet little family the opportunity to watch yet, another Animal Kingdom Porn Scene.  Mr. Bear was having a moment with himself.  It was not a quiet moment; there was some loud grunting.  As we approached, hubby and I stopped and stared as we observed Mr. Bear committed a fairly impressive act of personal fellatio.  Baby A was giggling screaming”funny, funny,” in her high pitched voice as Mr. Bears grunts became louder.  Hubby attempted to distract the girls by mention it was snack time.  The girls ran off, Hubby and I just shrugged our shoulders.   I suppose solitary confinement amusements are few and far between…or should I say fur and fur between?  

Mr. Bear Himself

Conversations

Scrolled through my Facebook feed and realized that August really did provide me with a few giggles between the bickering, whining, and chaos.

~Apparently, I have broken Middle C's heart forever because I "forgot" to buy Strawberry Short Cake band-aids and only have the plain ones. I told her they were twice as much money to get the fancy ones, she replied,"Yeah, but just think of how much money an infected cut will cost you because these plain ones don't cover as much skin." Good Luck Kinder teachers, I will soon pass the torch to you.
 
~ We were watching the closing Olympic Ceremonies when George Michael came on. Without thinking I said," I thought he was still in jail". George started singing, "Freedom". E looked up and said ,"Obviously he likes being out of jail because he wrote a song about it." I am just glad he didn't sing, "I want your sex".

~ I have hit the age where a thong will no longer be in my panty rotation. I tossed them on the ground while I was cleaning out the drawer. I just went upstairs to the play room and discovered that they girls seem to think they make a pretty awesome hammocks in the Barbie Dream house.

~ Shout out to my 5 year old for keeping it real." Mommy, I know you have been sick, but it isn't hard to shower and put some lipstick on." She then digs through my panty drawer and pulls out a thong from years ago."This will make you feel much better!" 

~ The girls were attempting synchronized diving at the pool today. Before jumping off the diving boards, they would discuss what they would do. I overheard Middle C saying,"Ok, first you toot, then shake your bottom, and then do spirit fingers." 

Glass of mommy guilt...

Middle C's note for her sister

The start of school is just two long weeks away.  I feel guilty about saying it, but I am ready.  I announced my feelings about school to a few friends and one of them floored me when she said, I don’t want to send them back, I am having so much fun with them.  I will miss them so much.  That is when I felt that little sting in my heart that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me?   I should enjoy these last few days of togetherness.  The following day I was determined to have “fun”.  I told the girls to get on their swimsuit.  Simple task, but apparently middle C “accidentally” dropped E’s swim suit in the toilet when she was bringing it to her.  E retaliated by declaring that Middle C was wearing one of her old swimsuits that she always thought was ugly.  Tears and drama ensued, but I didn’t yell I”enjoyed” the moment.  Baby A took a dump in her swim diaper two minutes before we were about to get in the car. After the drama, and 20 minutes of deep breaths and determination to not loose it and enjoy my kids, I loaded all three girls into the swagger wagon.  First stop the neighborhood pool, and the sunscreen ritual.  Yes, someone is always getting it in their eyes.  Baby A inevitably will find the one spray bottle not locked and spray her face.  There will be tears, but I will “enjoy” the moment.  After the pool, I took the girls to get their new backpacks.  While at Toy R Screwing us, Baby A managed to get her foot stuck in the slats of the cart.  She was screaming bloody murder, and the teenage employee looked confused when I asked if she had any lotion to help grease up her chunky leg so I could pull it out of the cart.   I tried not to lose it when she said they didn’t have lotion.  Really?  They sell baby diapers and baby necessities.  Baby A’s foot is swelling; my other girls are clutching their new backpacks in horror.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I see super woman sprinting down the aisle clutching a bottle of baby oil.  She helps me lube up baby A’s foot freeing her from the evil shopping cart vice.  I had tears in my eyes and sweat tricking down my back.  She looked me in the eye and said, “This is why I hired a babysitter this week.  I can’t take it anymore either.  On a positive note the baby will have smooth skin?"   I sniffed and gave her a big hug.  So for those of you mommies that are enjoying your last few days with your kiddos, bless your sweet little hearts.  For those of you mommies that are about lose your mind from the bickering, the pouting, the whining, and the constant pressure to make memories,   bless your exhausted guilty hearts.  Pour out that glass of mommy guilt and pour a glass of mommy glee, I won’t judge! Two weeks and counting...

House of ill repute

I have been so busy lately that I have neglected my blog.  Have I been busy vacationing, going on dates, blowing money, getting a rock solid body, tanning?  Um… nope just experiencing my first summer with three kids not in school.  My mother always said that she hated when summer was over.  Just pour me a glass of mommy guilt, because I am looking forward to sending them off.    I embarrassed my oldest by performing the cabbage patch, running man combination when I saw the “Back to School” display at Target.  For the record, I still can rock it old school style.   Speaking of old school, I have finally decided it was time to empty out the panty/bra drawer.  Gals you know what I am talking about, remember those totally cute, lacy numbers, the sexy thongs that you perhaps wore when you first got married.  Victoria did have a secret and they are all jammed in the back corner of my drawer.    While baby A was napping, and the older girls were playing upstairs.  I sorted the items from…granny with too many holes, granny but comfy, special occasion, and “G” so not wearing that string.   I shoved the retired panties into a Wal-Mart bag and threw it in my closet.  Apparently there must have been a few renegade thongs begging to be used.  Later that day, I went up to the playroom and found this lovely moment frozen in time.  Notice the clever use of the thong as it cradles a mother mermaid and her child.  Western Barbie (circa 1984) appears to be attempting a Fifty Shades Of Gray move. The other Barbie is working on some Pilates equipment above her bed.  Not sure what is going on with the “Sunshine Family Dad” and the girl in the bath tub.  When I questioned middle C about it she said, “ Mom, that is not a boy , its just a girl that likes to look different and she has eczema, also her legs fall off if I try to take off her pants.”