Poopie Head

I don't understand this whole sibling dynamic. My brother and I are 10 years apart, I am perfect he is not.  I was an only child until I was almost ten.  I loved my brother from the moment he arrived.  When I morphed into a tragic teenager, he was a sweet little boy.    My mother reminds me quite often that "she did it right!"   Lately, I have wondered if she did in fact do it  right.  The dynamics in my home leave me flabbergasted.  E and C argue about everything and anything.   This was the fight this morning at 6:30 am:
C: "Mommy! I went poop"
 E: "I went poop first."
C: "No I did!"
Me: "Who didn't flush the potty?"
C: "Not me, it was E"
E: "It was C, it looks like C's poop."
Me: "Really how do you know what Middle C's  poop looks like? "
 E: "She talks too much when she eats and doesn't chew her food, there were chunks. "

On a positive note, Middle C has been doing well in Kinder.  I had my concerns, but she has earned three super behavior stamps.  When she was chatting about her day, she mentioned that today's stamp was very light because she just barely earned it. She colored her hand black because she wanted to look like the little girl sitting next to her.

Drama on hold ...for a few hours

First day of school, done. 

I asked Middle C about her first day of kinder..."I love my teacher, she thinks I am an awesome skipper, just not in the hall." E's comment about 1st grade, "My teacher is nice, but she must be old like you because sometimes she forgets things...and I heard Claire get yelled at for skipping in the hall."  OK, Miss. "One-upper".  My comment about the first day of school, "Supercalifragilisticexpalidocious ,  almost eight hours without tattling, yelling,or complaining.  Just 3.5 hours until bed time.  Sweet!  

Today also began my life with just one kiddo at home...

Baby A got undivided attention for the first time in... forever.  Our discussion topic, panties.  I felt ambitious and let her sit on the potty and put her in big girl panties.  She sat on her little potty and in the time it took me to get a new roll of T.P. she managed to break the valve under the pedestal sink causing water to spray in her face.  Her eyes were as big as saucers, as I screamed for hubby to turn off the water.  A scurried off the potty, slipping on the wet floor, tears gathering in her eyes and ran to find her diaper.  Yeah, toilet training is not in our future now.  She keeps wandering over to the potty saying, "Potty, water, eyes.  No Potty!"   Hmmm...tomorrow we will try watching Elmo. 

"WILD" Kingdom Late Night

            In our attempt to pack in a few more memories before sending the kid’s off to school, we decide to go to one of our local zoo's.  Our city has the zoo and the "zoo”. I actually prefer to go to the “zoo”. It is down a few back roads littered with one or two mattresses that may or may not have had a crime committed on them, and one "gently mangled" sofa missing an armrest.  This Zoo is tucked away between a few mobile homes, past an abandoned storage shed, down a dirt road.   You really do need a GPS to find it.  It was awesome that we had one in the car.  The only issue was my directionally, absolutely, 100% correct husband did not believe “Xena” our travel warrior.  I watched as he argued with her and chose a different road, after a different road.  “Recalculating…..recalculating…..recalculating”, the miles to the zoo went from 11 to 21.   After an extra 30 minutes and Xena expertly teaching Baby A to now say “recalculating” we made it.

            It was a great time, the weather was good, and the animals stayed behind their bailing wire and duct tape fences.  Then I spotted it, a Zebra that was apparently rather excited.  I am NOT talking about old school Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom excited, I am talking about Discovery Channel Late Night excited.  I did my best to not point it out to the kids, but I HAD to say something to the hubby.  I also, because I really am not mature, thought that I would get a photo op of Middle C standing in front of the “huge” zebra.  She glanced over and posed for the photo.  Just before I snapped the photo, someone got very camera shy.  Claire looked at me after the photo and said, “Wow that Zebra turned from a boy to a girl.  God can do anything on a Sunday.”  Why yes, Middle C, he can.  He can also give my sweet little family the opportunity to watch yet, another Animal Kingdom Porn Scene.  Mr. Bear was having a moment with himself.  It was not a quiet moment; there was some loud grunting.  As we approached, hubby and I stopped and stared as we observed Mr. Bear committed a fairly impressive act of personal fellatio.  Baby A was giggling screaming”funny, funny,” in her high pitched voice as Mr. Bears grunts became louder.  Hubby attempted to distract the girls by mention it was snack time.  The girls ran off, Hubby and I just shrugged our shoulders.   I suppose solitary confinement amusements are few and far between…or should I say fur and fur between?  

Mr. Bear Himself

Conversations

Scrolled through my Facebook feed and realized that August really did provide me with a few giggles between the bickering, whining, and chaos.

~Apparently, I have broken Middle C's heart forever because I "forgot" to buy Strawberry Short Cake band-aids and only have the plain ones. I told her they were twice as much money to get the fancy ones, she replied,"Yeah, but just think of how much money an infected cut will cost you because these plain ones don't cover as much skin." Good Luck Kinder teachers, I will soon pass the torch to you.
 
~ We were watching the closing Olympic Ceremonies when George Michael came on. Without thinking I said," I thought he was still in jail". George started singing, "Freedom". E looked up and said ,"Obviously he likes being out of jail because he wrote a song about it." I am just glad he didn't sing, "I want your sex".

~ I have hit the age where a thong will no longer be in my panty rotation. I tossed them on the ground while I was cleaning out the drawer. I just went upstairs to the play room and discovered that they girls seem to think they make a pretty awesome hammocks in the Barbie Dream house.

~ Shout out to my 5 year old for keeping it real." Mommy, I know you have been sick, but it isn't hard to shower and put some lipstick on." She then digs through my panty drawer and pulls out a thong from years ago."This will make you feel much better!" 

~ The girls were attempting synchronized diving at the pool today. Before jumping off the diving boards, they would discuss what they would do. I overheard Middle C saying,"Ok, first you toot, then shake your bottom, and then do spirit fingers." 

Glass of mommy guilt...

Middle C's note for her sister

The start of school is just two long weeks away.  I feel guilty about saying it, but I am ready.  I announced my feelings about school to a few friends and one of them floored me when she said, I don’t want to send them back, I am having so much fun with them.  I will miss them so much.  That is when I felt that little sting in my heart that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me?   I should enjoy these last few days of togetherness.  The following day I was determined to have “fun”.  I told the girls to get on their swimsuit.  Simple task, but apparently middle C “accidentally” dropped E’s swim suit in the toilet when she was bringing it to her.  E retaliated by declaring that Middle C was wearing one of her old swimsuits that she always thought was ugly.  Tears and drama ensued, but I didn’t yell I”enjoyed” the moment.  Baby A took a dump in her swim diaper two minutes before we were about to get in the car. After the drama, and 20 minutes of deep breaths and determination to not loose it and enjoy my kids, I loaded all three girls into the swagger wagon.  First stop the neighborhood pool, and the sunscreen ritual.  Yes, someone is always getting it in their eyes.  Baby A inevitably will find the one spray bottle not locked and spray her face.  There will be tears, but I will “enjoy” the moment.  After the pool, I took the girls to get their new backpacks.  While at Toy R Screwing us, Baby A managed to get her foot stuck in the slats of the cart.  She was screaming bloody murder, and the teenage employee looked confused when I asked if she had any lotion to help grease up her chunky leg so I could pull it out of the cart.   I tried not to lose it when she said they didn’t have lotion.  Really?  They sell baby diapers and baby necessities.  Baby A’s foot is swelling; my other girls are clutching their new backpacks in horror.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I see super woman sprinting down the aisle clutching a bottle of baby oil.  She helps me lube up baby A’s foot freeing her from the evil shopping cart vice.  I had tears in my eyes and sweat tricking down my back.  She looked me in the eye and said, “This is why I hired a babysitter this week.  I can’t take it anymore either.  On a positive note the baby will have smooth skin?"   I sniffed and gave her a big hug.  So for those of you mommies that are enjoying your last few days with your kiddos, bless your sweet little hearts.  For those of you mommies that are about lose your mind from the bickering, the pouting, the whining, and the constant pressure to make memories,   bless your exhausted guilty hearts.  Pour out that glass of mommy guilt and pour a glass of mommy glee, I won’t judge! Two weeks and counting...

House of ill repute

I have been so busy lately that I have neglected my blog.  Have I been busy vacationing, going on dates, blowing money, getting a rock solid body, tanning?  Um… nope just experiencing my first summer with three kids not in school.  My mother always said that she hated when summer was over.  Just pour me a glass of mommy guilt, because I am looking forward to sending them off.    I embarrassed my oldest by performing the cabbage patch, running man combination when I saw the “Back to School” display at Target.  For the record, I still can rock it old school style.   Speaking of old school, I have finally decided it was time to empty out the panty/bra drawer.  Gals you know what I am talking about, remember those totally cute, lacy numbers, the sexy thongs that you perhaps wore when you first got married.  Victoria did have a secret and they are all jammed in the back corner of my drawer.    While baby A was napping, and the older girls were playing upstairs.  I sorted the items from…granny with too many holes, granny but comfy, special occasion, and “G” so not wearing that string.   I shoved the retired panties into a Wal-Mart bag and threw it in my closet.  Apparently there must have been a few renegade thongs begging to be used.  Later that day, I went up to the playroom and found this lovely moment frozen in time.  Notice the clever use of the thong as it cradles a mother mermaid and her child.  Western Barbie (circa 1984) appears to be attempting a Fifty Shades Of Gray move. The other Barbie is working on some Pilates equipment above her bed.  Not sure what is going on with the “Sunshine Family Dad” and the girl in the bath tub.  When I questioned middle C about it she said, “ Mom, that is not a boy , its just a girl that likes to look different and she has eczema, also her legs fall off if I try to take off her pants.”