I am an awesome mother…on most days. I know that one of the things mothers should
never do is compare our mothering skills, but we do. In our moments of self loathing, we doubt our
parenting choices and skills. We all have “friends” on facebook that keep
us posted on how amazing they and their kids
are. We hear about their fantastic
family trips, their made from scratch meals, and the numerous awards that their
kids win. We rarely hear about the messy stuff... the things about motherhood
that we all can relate to. I give you
one of my Epic Fails in motherhood to make you all feel better. (At least you were not THAT mother....)
June 21st, 2011
In the past three weeks, I have survived a 3,000 mile family
road trip and little C's tonsillectomy and recovery. Who knew that on top of
that, today, the summer solstice would bring with it an epic Mommy Fail moment.
I was rocking it today. It was one of those days when things
were getting done and the kids were cooperating. I was feeling great about my
mommy skills. I even listened to the Vacation Bible School CD four times in a
row. That in itself deserved a few gold stars.
One thing I have learned about parenting is to enjoy the
moment, because it could all go from calm to insane in no time flat... which is
just what happened - my Epic Mommy Fail moment.
It was another blistering day of 100 degree heat. The
meteorologists were excited, yapping about a 15 percent chance of
rain. At some point in the morning they mentioned that (or suggested that) we
should all wash our cars to bring on the rain. My 4 year old, Little C, heard
this and begged me to get a car wash after her post-op doctor appointment.
Sweet! (If that can be the bribe for
good behavior at the doctor's, it is a win win as far as I am concerned.)
I fill up my car with
gas and get the receipt with the carwash code
printed on it. I should be suspicious when I notice that the code is 666. Baby A is happily babbling in the car and C is
chomping at the bit waiting for the rainbow colored soap. We very slowly drive
the "swagger wagon" in, savoring the moment when the under carriage
is being washed. I remind C to make sure that her little pop-out window is, in
fact, closed. She cheerfully yells, "Check!"
I put my car into park and just as the car wash begins to
really get going, baby A begins to scream (not a fan of car washes). Little C
is giggling and singing, "At The Car Wash, doobie doobie doo....MOMMY, my
window is open. I am getting wet!!!" I launch myself over the seats until
I am at the back of the van and pop the window back into the locked position. C
finds this whole thing hilarious and is laughing. Baby A is screaming. Since I
am in the back seat, I attempt to calm her down and give up when she hurtles a
book at me.
The little sign in the car wash now flashes CRYSTAL CLEAN
RINSE, the last cycle. Once again, I scramble to get to the front seat. Due to
the diaper bag in my way, I crash over the front seat armrest bonking my head
somehow on the door control button.
It is like slow motion... I hear C scream, "The door
Moooommmmmmyyyyyy." Next, I feel a fire hose force of water pummeling the
inside of the car. Baby A is wailing. I fumble to find the button to close the
door. Screw the dry cycle, I floor it out of the wash and pull into the parking
lot. I'm sobbing, baby A is screaming, and C is laughing out loud. I get out
and open the door. Baby is soaked from head to foot. Her hair is wet and water
is dripping down her face. The stack of diapers I had at her feet are now bloated
with water. I unbuckle the poor water logged baby and attempt to calm her. We are all fine, however I fear that
down the way baby A may be in therapy, suffering from a debilitating car wash
phobia.
After all of that, now it had better rain, damn it!
Don’t you feel better now?
At least your were not the mother that opened her van door
in a car wash.
If you still don’t feel good about your mothering skills, do
what I do. Go to Walmart. There is no other store that does more for
improving one's self esteem.
